Thursday, 29 March 2007

conservatism

ok, this has been on The Hater and the Guardian blogs already, so I am not even trying to be original, but, well please take a look at this:


Do you need any more proof that conservatives are pure evil?
It gives me a feeling of weird badness.

It reminded me of another very very wrong example of rapping... but you have to wait a few minutes for it...
al fayed

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

spirituality

Spirituality is a quality held in great esteem by people who like joss-sticks and lots of purple.

As a way of thinking, it is quite broad, indeed tries to touch people at every point of their lives. It's failure to do can be seen by the herds of "spiritual" people who combine their spirituality with rampant consumerism and materialism. I guess they think that, as material wealth isn't important - it doesn't matter if they have a lot of it.

Spiritual people believe in things like "mother-earth", the "soul" and "energy" (not the scientific kind). This blog, for example, would be full of lots of "bad" or "negative" energy.

You might as well be eating cancer, from a spiritual point of view.

Spiritual people think man made things, like chemicals, are bad, and natural things, like kittens, are good. Don't point out that chemicals are not man made, or that kittens are cat-made: That's just creating bad energy, maaan.

Spirituality involves, as written above, joss sticks. Other important tools are new-age trance cds, and anything dolphin/whale related. To the spiritual person, dolphins and whales are more evolved and intelligent than humans. To be fair, they have a point: I've never seen a dolphin using joss sticks, or talking about "the soul"....

Popular spiritual people include:
Maria "I'm the type of person that loves dolphins" Carey,
Madonna,
Brad "my girlfriend is my personality" Pitt,
Tony Blair and Cherie Booth-Blair.
spirituality in action

Reincarnation is a popular belief of spiritual people, but that is another matter.

Next!

Sunday, 25 March 2007

sounds like but isn´t

I was excited, because I really like them, and all their records so far have been excellent... I was really looking forward to the new record by The Cinematic Orchestra.
Then I realised that a song I´ve heard a few times in bars that´s shit, because it sounds like Coldplay... is actually the Cinematic Orchestra.
When I heard their remix album, I was completely addicted to it, and it´s still one of my favourite ever records.
So it´s a real shame, because as much as I won´t be listening to music that sounds like Bruce Springsteen, I will also not be listening to music that sounds like Coldplay.
And it really does! Listen to ¨to build a home¨ on their myspace page.
Now, unfortunately, TCO are critical darlings, and much loved in the new jazz world, so NOONE will express the coldplay-ness of this song, they will call it ¨beautiful and evocative.¨
Well, I´m calling it shit... just because I like a group, doesn´t mean I will forgive them sounding like Chris Martin, or some other bunch of c!"¿*. To be ¨cool¨ you have to make cool music, not pissy middle of the road toss like this.
I read this song is the album closer, so it´s possible the rest of the album is better... but I´m not very tempted to find out.

Saturday, 24 March 2007

how to not draw attention to your idiocy


It's always good to see celebrities taking their punishment with dignity and grace.Story

Also this week, criminal liar "lord" Jeffrey Archer was at the Vatican, to announce his co-authorship of a new Gospel, the Gospel of Judas. Words fail me.

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

er

So, French "Spiderman" Alain Robert has bee stopped trying to climb the tall buildings in Kuala Lumpur... GOOD. What are we supposed to be, impressed?
"ooh, there´s a man climbing a skyscraper without ropes!"
"he´s my HERO!"

He´s a dick.

...come back when you can do something less pointless.
wanker

Talking of pointless, shutdown day. That really is pointless.. I don´t remember where I found this, but please!
What Is Point!?
"It is obvious that people would find life extremely difficult without computers, maybe even impossible. If they disappeared for just one day, would we be able to cope?
Be a part of one of the biggest global experiments ever to take place on the internet. The idea behind the experiment is to find out how many people can go without a computer for one whole day, and what will happen if we all participate!
Shutdown your computer on this day(24th March) and find out! Can you survive for 24 hours without your computer? "

Who cares! Whoever organised this is an idiot. More likely a group of idiots.
Please sign up to the web site, and leave them rude comments.

Friday, 16 March 2007

the one where I don´t use the word c---

Des Browne is a dick. I hope he loses his job; not that it´s likely, as he just says and does what he´s told...
I heard him yesterday, representing the ministry of defence, "justifying" Britain´s nuclear weapons. They have a wonderful way of answering criticism, ministers do.
The journalist put a very eloquent and reasoned arguement to Mr Browne about how nuclear weapons were not necessary. The answer? "The government takes a different position on this..."
But they don´t address the arguement, or propose counter arguements... they just say "we don´t agree with that".

It´s shit, is what it is.

The arguements in favour are that "other dangerous countries want nukes", and that the world is unpredictable.
Bill Hicks made a nice point about Western leaders who say,
"We still live in a dangerous world"
"...because of you, you fucker! We´re arming the fucking world! We keep arming these little countries, then we have to go blow the shit outta them..."

The world is much more dangerous because countries:
- are sold high tech weaponry by the West.
- feel they have to have nuclear weapons to "compete".
- are bombed and threatened by the nuclear powers.

Countries without nuclear weapons seem pretty good to me, and they are also often the ones who don´t have have image problems. So; everyone hates the US government, the UK is a US pet, and France is just ridiculously arrogant: Nukes.

Germany, Scandinavia, Spain, Japan, Canada (I think), etc etc... they seem to survive without the means to kill everyone, and they aren´t internationally hated or ridiculed. So why is it necessary for Britain to maintain that ability (albeit once America says we can)?

Britain has a small nuclear arsenal, and one which relies on the USA for targeting and so on, which means it is not an "independent" deterrent. Britain is also calling for other countries to stop developing nuclear weapons.

So we look like hypocrites with gay nuclear weapons which we have to ask Daddy permission to use.

Expensively and destructively crap, Trident weapons have been renewed by Tony Blair and his toss-arse colleagues, all of whom are evil, morally corrupted, massive C....

Thursday, 15 March 2007

the antidote

Have you heard Arcade Fire´s Neon Bilge?
Are you disappointed?
If you´re in aural trouble, and you can find them, maybe you can hear....

LCD Soundsystem, and !!!... Both groups whose new albums are better than the last, to the point of both being fantastic, not sounding like Boost Stingspleen, or POO2.
Two albums... one of wittily intelligent - though not boringly pretentious - dance music, and one full of groove. Get them! Save yourself!


... guns are COOL!! And look how angry Mr T is about Arcade fire ...pity the fools! GRRR

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

ho ho ho ho ho

It's my first review! So, Arcade Fire: last album was quite attractive, and inbetween then and now, the indie world has hailed them as the most important thing ever, even more important than oxygen and biscuits.
So, how do you approach the weight of expectation?
"hmmm.. people think we're the most important thing ever, even more important than oxygen and biscuits.. let's record an apocalyptic, dramatic, important sounding record, with church organs and EVERYTHING!!"

Perhaps, if you do this, noone will notice, beneath all the overblown sonics, you've gone a bit crap, and lost all your charm?

I couldn't help being reminded of Bruce Springsteen, which is quite disturbing, I assure you... and am writing this "review" purely because I was amused to read this one. That headline's gotta hurt the fans, yes? I love it!!
Personally, I thought sounding like U2 and Brucey Spingsteen was the LAST thing you'd want to do, but I'm obviously not with the zeitgeist. And what with the zeitgeist being crap and obviously broken, I'm quite glad.

cunts

..I have to watch, in small parts, 101 Dalmations, to entertain children (actually, as a reward for doing any work, but...).
I mean the film version, "live action" or whatever.
Disney, it can´t be overstated enough, are a bunch of arse fucking cunts. Even accepting it´s aimed at children, this film is a disgrace to everything.
English story, set in England. All language americanised - they talk about "tailpipe"!!
I know what an exhaust pipe is, but tailpipe just sounds like anus to me.
I could, and might put more examples in as I remember them... but the real killer is an animal.
Quite why, I do not know - I think it´s wrong to mislead children without good reason - but there are "cheeky raccoons" in the film. They don´t exist in England! What´s that all fucking about? AND THEN, the final disgrace for Cruella De'Ville and her goons, is to discover trapped with them in a police van.... a SKUNK. Same problem. Are American marketing departments and test audiences entirely made of tits? Is it not possible for animals to be funny (not that they are in this film) unless they're skunks and raccoons?
I´ll say it again, Disney are cunts, and they should all be butchered, slaughtered or murdered (see below).

Britney Protesters of the World Unite

Pop-fans around the world have been out on the streets protesting the bald-images of Britney Spears recently printed in European and American tabloid newspapers.
Newspaper editors have been sent death threats, and the freedom of the press has been questioned. Free speech is important - but should we ever print material that offends the millions of Britney fans across the globe?
Britney fans have called the paparazzi photographs "disgusting", and "invasion of privacy", and called on all her supporters to punish those who have made Britney look stupid.

However, the threats of violence were taken seriously by the police, who arrested several of the protesters at this march in London (above). However, Judge Mutton ruled at the hearing in court that while the protesters were clearly in breach of the law - incitement to violence - it was actually rational for people to want to kill tabloid journalists, and so the protesters walked free.

Last night, a spokesperson for Britney Spears said "Britney is willing to call off her violent marauding fans, and save all humanity from world war three, if everyone promises to buy her next album."
George Bush urged the world not to give in to pop-stars, and refused to buy the album - however, critics have pointed out that Britney was musically trained and supported by the CIA during the 1990s. Rumours that U2's Bono has offered to attack Britney in his helicopter gunship have yet to be confirmed, although it is known the United Nations security council have requested his help during other celebrity crises.

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

We're Saved!


It's the Honda Earth-car! The 2007 Formula 1 competition car, driven by Jensen Button, achieving an impressive 5 miles per gallon!
You might think, calling it an Earth car and covering it in pictures of the Earth, it might be a revolutionary new environmentally friendly technological breakthrough.
It isn't, though! But don't worry,
"We are dedicating this car to environmental awareness... With this car we will spread the message of the environment ... We will invite everyone to pledge to do something. The message is awareness. Please be aware that the environment is a major concern. Please do something about it," said a Honda spokesperson...

"please do something about it."

Because we're not.

It's like Marlboro man going into schools, smoking, saying "hey kids, don't smoke! I might look cool doing it, but don't!"
Actually, the Marlboro man doesn't look at all cool, does he? Certainly not since Brokeback Mountain... though looking like any sort of cowboy is not cool.
"Hey kids! Want to look homo-erotic like me? Smoke Marlboro!"



postscript... I am a hypocrite; I watch F1 races, but I am consistent; I chop down the rain forest and kill baby seals while I'm doing it.

Friday, 2 March 2007

conservapedi continued

...quite why I found myself typing "kangaroo" into the conservapedia search is difficult to explain.
However, it did result in this beautiful little description:

"Kangaroos have large ears on top of their small heads, a long snout, and short arms with clawed fingers. Their legs are strong and powerful, designed by God for leaping."

Someone's taking the piss, surely!

Young Earth Retarded Creationists

offensive, unsuitable? email me at.... blah blah blah

So, off you go to Conservapedia.

Conservapedia is a sexually transmitted... oh, no wait, sorry, a WEB SITE designed to correct the evil hateful liberal bias of Wikipedia. It also serves to correct the occasional evil, unchristian use of British English spelling, which is popular on wikipedia. Thou shalt not spell colour with a "u".

That, incidently, is in the Conservapedia commandments. I love it...

I particularly enjoy commandment numero uno: "Everything you post must be true and verifiable."
Now, I don't know how you do this, because they allow "evidence" from the Bible about Dinosaurs.... but claim many parts of the fact, er, ok theory, of evolution as "unverifiable". So, the "young earth" idea (that God created the world on the back of a napkin while he was drunk, three weeks ago) is apparently more verifiable... than the vast fossil records that are evidence of evolution. Cool!

But, I am happy to have found this site, I hope it goes from strength to strength, because the Dinosaur entry is hilarious, and I'm hoping there'll be much more similarly warped psychotic nonsense in the future.